Good Morning Faithful Reader – 11/12/2021 – Todays post comes from the category I call ‘An Open Prayer’ and is not intended for individuals outside of our membership.
Are you there? You know, even if you are not it is ok because I believe you are. I did what I said I would do, and I got up. I know that you know I was scared, more scared of it than anything that had come before. I told you I would do anything, as I stood under the dark New England sky that morning 10 weeks ago.
I didn’t explain it to anyone, I know you would be disappointed if I did. I just laid down my life for someone else, the way I believed that you would want me to. I had already given in to laying it down when I became a soldier and I thought I would lay it down the day my son died. Today I laid it down to listen to someone, that no one else would listen to any longer. I told of my shame, because others cannot. They don’t know how they weren’t taught to. I told of my pain, because others cannot. I told of my sins and my horrors and my worst secrets and I did not flinch, just as you asked. I did it to help one person, and I didn’t know until just now that the one person I was helping was me.
I listened to them, they called like you said. I was quiet and they shared their pain. Even the ones that didn’t lose a child, I listened to them too. I tell people now that my brand is grief, that my niche is suicide and my name is parent. I got that right, didn’t I? It’s not about me, it’s about something bigger than me, isn’t it?
I rustled up some interviews, really good ones that will take care of us for a few months. They are all happening today, but I am no longer afraid. I built the two websites and I called my close five. Nedra, Gail, Johnny, Joe and Ken. They think I am ok, they think my writing is clear. They think I am on the right track, I pray that you do as well. Tomorrow I will shut off my computer and I will play with my daughter and watch whatever my wife wants to watch, because I just love listening to her breathe. Thank you for her, and for the child. I wasn’t sure you would ever trust me with one again.
I have to go, but I decided to share this with them today. I don’t think you will mind, I don’t know if they will find you. Maybe they will believe that I believe it after all that I told them and all that I showed them. My eyes opened yesterday, my armor is intact and I am no longer a lost soul, I am just a soul. I give it to you to do as you will and I pray you give me the strength to carry on this mission. It is only 8 weeks and I already feel reborn, completely new as if I were a baby and I am whispering to you in the dark, before anyone awakes to simply ask what I ask every day.
Please, give me the strength today to carry a message of hope, to the hopeless at a time that they most need it. I am not worthy to speak, perhaps your words can be heard. Please take me out of them, let me just be parent.
I have always loved you and believed you would care for me, even when others would have given up. Let me be a glass of clean water, and I know all of the pain I will wade through today to allow others to share their feelings of loss with me because no one else will listen, will be washed away in my sleep.